What Your Car Says About You

Acura Integra: I have always wanted to own the Buick of Japanese sport sedans

AMG Hummer: I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole

Buick Park Avenue: I am older than 34 of the 50 states

Cadillac Catera: I learned nothing from the Cimarron

Cadillac Eldorado: I am a pimp

Cadillac Deville: I am a very good Mary Kay Salesperson

Chevrolet Camaro: I enjoy beating up people

Chevrolet Caprice: I enjoy having people slow to 55 mph and change lanes when I pull up behind them

Chevrolet Cavalier coupe: I start 11th grade in the fall

Chevrolet Chevette: I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them I have a 'vette.

Chevrolet Corvette: I am having a mid-life crisis

Chevrolet El Camino: I am leading a militia to overthrow the government

Chevrolet Tracker: I start 12th grade in the fall

Chrysler Cordoba: I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them I have a Mercedes Benz product.

Citroen 2CV: I think your car looks funny, too

Datsun 280Z: I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well

Dodge Aries: I teach third grade special education and I voted for George Bush

Dodge Diplomat: I used to enjoy having people slow to 55 mph and change lanes when I pull up behind them

Dodge Durango: I will not be caught dead in a Ford Explorer

Dodge Neon: I cannot stand the Macarena

Dodge Power Wagon: I am leading a militia to overthrow the government

NEW!
Dodge Viper: I live in a town with gas stations every 1.6 miles

Ford Crown Victoria: I enjoy having people slow to 55 mph and change lanes when I pull up behind them

Ford Explorer: I will not be caught dead in a minivan

NEW!
Ford Mustang Cobra: "A horse is a horse, of course, of course, unless, of course, it's a snake!"

Ford Mustang 5.0: I slow down to 85 in school zones

Ford Mustang 2.3: I avoid Yugos and VW microbuses at the stoplights

NEW!
Ford Pento: I enjoy masquerading as a volitile mobile gas station

Ford Ranchero: I am leading a Militia to overthrow the government

Ford Tempo: I teach fourth grade special education and I voted for Bill Clinton

Honda Civic: I just graduated and have no credit at all

Honda Accord: I lack originality and am basically a lemming

Hyundai Accent: I delivered pizza for years in order to get this car

Hyundai Tiburon: I miss the tasteful, conservative and understated styling of the 1974 AMC Matador

Infiniti Q45: I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending

Isuzu I-Mark: I have always wanted a Japanese car even more inferior than the Daihatsu

Jaguar XJS V-12: I am so rich I will pay $60,000.00 for a car that is in the shop 280 days of the year

Kia Sephia: I learned nothing from the Asian economic crisis

Lexus LS400: I am the lawyer suing the owner of the Infiniti Q45

Lincoln Navigator: I don't bother comparing gas prices

Lincoln Town Car: I live for bingo and covered supper dishes

Mazda Miata: I do not fear being decapitated by an eighteen-wheeler

Mercury Grand Marquis: I live for bridge and covered supper dishes

Mercedes 600SL: I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph

Mercedes 600SEL: I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole

MGB: I am dating a mechanic

Nissan Altima: I don't know what it means, either

Nissan Maxima: I am still in the closet

Nissan 300ZX: I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings

Oldsmobile Cutlass: I just stole this car and I'm going to make a fortune off the parts

Oldsmobile Cutlass Cruiser: I get carsick driving minivans

Oldsmobile Delta 88 Diesel: I am on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List

Plymouth Neon: I enjoy the Macarena

Pontiac Firebird: I still watch Rockford Files reruns

Pontiac Trans Am: I have a switchblade in my sock

Porsche 928: I am dating big-haired women who would otherwise be inaccessable to me

Range Rover: I do not care about J.D. Powers or his surveys

Rolls Royce Silver Shadow: I think Maggie Thatcher is a touch too Whig for me

Rover 3500: I am married to a mechanic

Saturn SL1: I hope someday to make it to a gathering in Spring Hill

Saturn SL2: I made it to a gathering in Spring Hill

Toyota Camry: I have always wanted to own the Oldsmobile of Japanese family sedans

NEW!
Toyota Truck (any one of them): I couldn't affort a real truck

Volkswagen Beetle: I still watch Partridge Family reruns

Volkswagen Cabriolet: I am out of the closet

Volkswagen Jetta: I enjoy putting out engine fires

Volkswagen Microbus: I am tripping right now

Volkswagen New Beetle: I still watch Partridge Family reruns

Volvo 740 Wagon: I am afraid of my wife

Yugo GV: I miss the rugged durability of the Moskvitch

More funny stuff!