We all get 'em. Email jokes and various articles find their way around the internet like wildfire. The following car related articles are from the WebCars! files.


How to Identify the Driver's Home:



One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York

One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago

One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston

One hand on wheel, one hand in pants, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California*
*with gun in lap: L.A.

Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy

One hand on Latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle

One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male

One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: Texas country male

One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female

Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another's car: Colorado

One hand on steering, yelling obscenities, the other hand a waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as not to litter: Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plates.


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If Microsoft Built Cars

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.

2. Occasionally your car would just die on the motorway for no reason, accept this, restart and drive on.

3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail to restart and you'd have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this too.

4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a "Car 95" or a "Car NT". But then you'd have to buy more seats.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was twice as reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive - but it would only run on five percent of the roads.

6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars which would make their cars go much slower.

7. The oil, engine, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light.

8. People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for many years.

9. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft gas and all auto fluids but the packaging would be supurb.

10. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

11. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

12. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

13. They wouldn't build their own engines, but form a cartel with their engine suppliers. The latest engine would have 16 cylinders, multi-point fuel injection and 4 turbos, but it would be a side-valve design so you could use Model-T Ford parts on it.

14. There would be an "Engium Pro" with bigger turbos, but it would be slower on most existing roads.

15. Microsoft cars would have a special radio/cassette player which would only be able to listen to Microsoft FM, and play Microsoft Cassettes. Unless of course, you buy the upgrade to use existing stuff.

16. Microsoft would do so well, because even though they don't own any roads, all of the road manufacturers would give away Microsoft cars free, including IBM!

17. If you still ran old versions of car (ie. CarDOS 6.22/CarWIN 3.11), then you would be called old fashioned, but you would be able to drive much faster, and on more roads!

18. If you couldn't afford to buy a new car, then you could just borrow your friends, and then copy it.

19. Whenever you bought a car, you would have to reorganize the ignition for a few days before it worked.

20. You would need to buy an upgrade to run cars on a motorway next to each other.

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Bumper Sitckers

* Horn broken. Watch for finger.
* Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot.
* All generalizations are false.
* Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
* I brake for no apparent reason.
* Learn from your parent's mistakes - use birth control.
* Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.
* We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
* He who laughs last thinks slowest.
* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
* It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
* Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
* Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
* Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
* I love cats...they taste just like chicken.
* Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
* Forget the Joneses, I keep up with the Simpsons.
* Born free...Taxed to death.
* The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
* Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
* Rehab is for quitters.
* I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
* Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep.
* All men are idiots, and I married their King.
* Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
* Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
* Montana (or Vermont?)-- At least our cows are sane!
* I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
* Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
* If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
* When you do a good deed, get a receipt-in case heaven is like the IRS.
* No radio - Already stolen.
* Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
* Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.
* I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
* Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
* OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
* Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
* I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
* Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
* Tell me to 'stuff it' - I'm a taxidermist.
* IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
* Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students



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Car Hobby



Date: Mon, 03 Mar 1997 15:57:20 -0800
From: Osric B****
Organization: HR TEXTRON
MIME-Version: 1.0
To:
Paul Pollock
Subject: Re: paul's life

Paul Pollock wrote:
>
> >Anybody who's e-mail address is "web-cars" has a serious problem and
> >should consider taking up a religion. there's got to be something out
> >there divine for your car crazy ass besides cars cars cars!
> >
> >why don't you write a book about kids.
> >
> >osric
>
> Osric:
>
> I don't know what you are talking about. I do have a life without cars.
> Just the other day I bought my wife a CARd and a pink CARnation for
> Valentines' day. I then got real CARried away and took her to dinner, where
> I ordered the fish special, which was blackened CARp (because it is low in
> CARbohydrates, which is good, as I don't want to have any CARdiac problems)
> and a CARafe of wine. I was so impressed I did CARtwheels right in the
> middle of the restaurant. For dessert I had a CARamel Sundae and she had a
> CARrot cake. We discussed a trip to the CARibbean (Having decided not to
> visit North CARolina) but decided to buy new CARpet instead. Or possibly a
> CARbine rifle.
>
> So what's your point?
>
> No Surrender,
>
> Paul

Paul that was great!!! I showed your letter to Jerry, Pat & others and

everybody laugh their ass off!!! I WILL BE BACK!!!

Repent from cars

Osric


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Car Acronyms


ACURA:

AMC:

AUDI:

BMW:

BUICK:

CHEVROLET:
()
DODGE:

EDSEL: Every Day Something Else Leaks

FIAT:
FORD:
GEO: Good Engineering Overlooked

GM:

GMC:

GTO: Gas, Tires, Oil

HONDA:

HYUNDAI: Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive...

JEEP:

MAZDA: Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along

M.G.: Money Guzzler

MOPAR

OLDSMOBILE: Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment

PINTO:

PONTIAC: Poor Old Numbskull Thinks Its A Cadillac

PORSCHE: Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything

SAAB:

SUBARU: Screwed Up Beyond All Repair Usually

TOYOTA:

TRIUMPH:

VOLVO: Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

VW: Virtually Worthless

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Lame Car Joke


A hip young man goes out and buys a 1997 Ferrari GTO . It is the best and most expensive car available in the world, costing about $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and while stopping for a red light, an old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "A 1997 Ferrari GTO. They cost about a half million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?"
"Sure," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!" Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!
"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it almost looked like the old man on the moped!
"Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!" Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the dying old man and says, "You're badly hurt! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man moans and replies, "Yes, Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"

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You Are What You Drive



Acura Integra - I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars
Acura Legend - I'm too bland for German cars
Acura NSX - I am impotent
Audi 90 - I enjoy putting out engine fires
Buick Park Avenue - I am older than 34 of the 50 states
Cadillac Eldorado - I am a very good Mary Kay salesman
Cadillac Seville - I am a pimp
Chevrolet Camaro - I enjoy beating the hell out of people
Chevrolet Chevette - I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them I have a 'Vette
Chevrolet Corvette - I'm in a mid-life crisis
Chevrolet El Camino - I am leading a militia to overthrow the government
Chrysler Cordoba - I dig the rich Corinthian leather
Datsun 280Z - I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well
Dodge Dart - I teach third grade special education and I voted for Eisenhower
Dodge Daytona - I delivered pizza for four years to get this car
Ferrari Testarossa - I am known to prematurely ejaculate
Ford Fairmont - (See Dodge Dart)
Ford Mustang - I slow down to 85 in school zones
Ford Crown Victoria - I enjoy having people slow to 55mph and change lanes when I pull up behind them
Geo Storm - I will start the 11th grade in the fall.
Geo Tracker - I will start the 12th grade in the fall.
Honda del Sol - I have always said, half a convertible is better than no convertible at all
Honda Civic - I have just graduated and have no credit
Honda Accord - I lack any originality and am basically a lemming.
Infiniti Q45 - I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending.
Isuzu Impulse - I do not give a damn about J.D. Power or his reports.
Jaguar XJ6 - I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days per year.
Kia Sephia - I learned nothing from the failure of Daihatsu Corp.
Lamborghini Countach - I only have one testicle
Lincoln Town Car - I live for bingo and covered dish suppers
Mercury Grand Marquis - (See above)
Mercedes 500SL - I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph
Mercedes 560SEL - I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole
Mazda Miata - I do not fear being decapitated by an eighteen-wheeler
MGB - I am dating a mechanic
Mitsubishi Diamante - I don't know what it means either
Nissan 300ZX - I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings.
Oldsmobile Cutlass - I just stole this car and I'm going to make a fortune off the parts
Peugeot 505 Diesel - I am on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List
Plymouth Neon - I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena
Pontiac Trans AM - I have a switchblade in my sock
Porsche 911 Turbo - I have a three inch thingie
Porsche 944 - I am dating big haired women that otherwise would be inaccessible to me
Rolls Royce Silver Shadow - I think Pat Buchanon is a tad bit too liberal
Saturn SC2 - (See Honda Civic)
Subaru Legacy - I have always wanted a Japanese car even more inferior than
Isuzu
Toyota Camry - I am still in the closet
Volkswagen Cabriolet - I am out of the closet
Volkswagen Microbus - I am tripping right now
Volkswagen Beetle - I still watch Partridge Family reruns
Volvo 740 Wagon - I am frightened of my wife


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What Not To Say To A Cop



I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!
Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
I was going to be a trooper, but I decided to finish high school instead.
Bad cop! No donut!
You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.
Is it true that people become troopers because they are too dumb to work at McDonald's?
I pay your salary!
So, uh, you on the take, or what?
Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around--that's how far ahead of me they are.
What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.
Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
Hey, is that a 9 mm? How's that compare to this one here?
Say Hi to your wife and my kids!

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"You might be a racer if ..."

- You think the primary purpose of wings is to PREVENT flight.

- You take your helmet along when you go to buy new eyeglasses or check out cars.

- You feel compelled on a road trip to beat your previous best time.

- You are happiest when your street car's tires are worn to racing depth and the wear bars are showing.

- When something falls off of your car, you wonder how much weight you just saved.

- When you hear 'overcooked it', instead of food you think 'off the track'.

- You change engine oil every other week.

- You sometimes hear little noises from your passengers when you get on the throttle right after turning in.

- You thoroughly enjoy showing the tailgater behind how to drive around a highway off-ramp.

- Your racing budget is one of the big three -- mortgage, car payments/maintenance, dating.

-Your email address refers to your race car rather than to you.

- You walk proper lines through the grocery store.

- You've been known to yell "It means 'check your mirrors' dammit!" at your television.

- You've paid $4.00 a gallon for gas without complaining.

- You buy new parts because you don't know where you put the spares.

- You bought a race car before buying a house.

- You bought a race car before buying furniture for the new house.

- You're looking for a tow vehicle and still haven't bought furniture!

- You find that you need a new house because you've outgrown your garage and the neighbors are threatening violence if you park one more vehicle on the street or in the front yard.

- The requirements you give your real estate agent are (in order of importance):
1) 8 car climate controlled garage with an attached shop.
2) Outside parking for 6 cars, a motorhome, a crew cab dualie, a 28'enclosed trailer and a 34' 5th wheel.
3) 3 phase 220V outlets in the garage for your welder.
4) A grease pit.
5) Convenient to a hazardous waste disposal site.
6) Deaf neighbors.
7) Across the street from a paint and body shop.
8) Some sort of house with a working toilet and shower on the property somewhere -or- hookups for the motorhome.

- You measure all family acquisitions in terms of the number of race tires that could have been purchased.

- You know well that Orthodontic work is the equivalant of three sets of tires

- You sit in your race car in a dark garage and make car noises and shift and practice your heel and toe, while waiting for your motor to get back from the machine shop.

- You look at the purchase of tools as a long term investment.

- Your wife says, "If you buy another set of tires, I'm getting a new mink."

- Your garage holds more cars than your house has bedrooms.

- You have enough spare parts to build another car.

- More than one racer supply house recognizes your voice and greets you by name when you call.

- You have car parts in your cubicle at work.

- You think the last line of the Star Spangled Banner is: "Racers, start your engines!"

- If you can't remember when you last worked on weekdays and rested on weekends.

- You're registered for wedding gifts at Pegasus and Racer Wholesale.

- Your Christmas list begins with another set of BFG R1s and Pauter rods and your 'significant other' knows what they are.

- After your answer to "What did you do this weekend?" the next question is always: "And you do this for fun? Right?"

- You have a separate drawer for 'garage clothes'.

- Your reading material in your bathroom consists of auto parts and racing supply catalogs, several books written by famous drivers, every book Carroll Smith has ever written.... and 400 car magazines, none of which have centerfolds.

- People know you by your class letter, car number, and car color.

- People know you by your "off"s". "Oh, you are the one stuck in the mud at ButtonWillow last weekend!"

- You talk to other cars on the road, calling them by the manufacturerÕs name.

- Your first date involves asking her to crew for you.

- Your criteria for selecting a significant other include auto repair skills. Air tools optional.

- Your friends don't recognize you without a helmet and driver's suit.

- Your family remembers your hair color as "grease".

- You plan your wedding around the race schedule.

- You astound the clerk at Sears by bringing in a snapped breaker bar every other week or so.

- You remember the dates and details of every race you've ever been in, but can't remember your phone number.

- Your family brings the couch into the garage so they can spend some time with you.

- You complain when cars in front of you on highway off-ramps don't stay on the line, causing your exit speed to drop.

- A neighbor asks if you have any oil, to which you query, "Synthetic or organic?" and they reply, "Vegetable or corn."

- You give out Summit Racing's number when a friend asks for the best hardware store.

- You refer to the corner down the street from your house as "Turn One."

- You look at the fire hydrant at that corner and see an apex marker.

- You enjoy driving in the rain on the way to work or school.

- You always late apex the intersection and try to pass a few cars coming out.

- Everywhere you go, you try to find the fastest line through the turn.

- You always do a toe & heel downshift while whoever might be your passenger gives you a real funny look.

- You can't stand anyone telling others how to drive. Of course, you are the best.

- You can't stand understeer.

- You always want to change something in your street car to make it handle better.

- You will gladly pay up to $8 for a quart of engine oil.

- You hate long distance driving, but you will gladly drive 800 miles to the race track.

- You think that traction control and ABS are for those who can't drive.

- You've ever tried to convince your wife you needed that flow bench to fix the air filter on her station wagon.

- You save broken car parts as " momentos".

- Your last several freeway forays included just brushing the curbs as you apexed the on-ramps perfectly....

- You've found your lawnmower runs pretty good on 108 octane gas (but doesn't particularly care for alcohol).

- The local tire shop won't honor the tread life warranty on any car you have been within 50 yards of...

- The shop manager at your local car dealer mutters "dear Lord" under his breath after he sees the size of your exhaust piping.

- The local police and state Highway Patrol have a picture of your car taped to their dashboard.

- You spend more time polishing your exhaust tip every day than you do bathing.

- Instead of pictures in your wallet, you have timeslips.

- You would choose a rollbar over air conditioning if it were an option.

- You enjoy driving through wet, empty parking lots and using the emergency brake to kick the back end out.

- White smoke coming out from under your tires is a common sight.

- You consider the redline a "conservative suggestion" and the rev limiter "a fun limiter"

- You spend more on insurance premiums than on food.

- Your idea of a good time is sitting around figuring out gear ratios and the ideal final drive ratio for given situations.

- When someone refers to "The Good Book", you think of "The Auto Math Handbook"

- When someone asks where you went to school, you reply, "Skip Barber".

- You have racing shops programmed on on your speed dialer.

- You own five cars and only one of them is street legal.

- You know the 1/4 mile times and skid pad numbers of your riding mower and want to improve them.

- You've embarrassed your significant other at least once by insisting on wearing your full face helmet while driving.

- You know the "racing line" of every turn in your daily commute, including your alternate routes, and practice hitting them every day.

- You quote your street tire wear life in weeks rather than miles.

- You regularly live test your rev limiter on that straight that's a little too long for 2nd but not worth going into 3rd for.

- You've started looking for sponsors for your daily commute.

- You've slalomed in a construction zone, and counted your penalty time in the rearview afterwards.

- After you tell your wife where you'd like to go on your vacation she answers: "Why... is there a race there?"


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The truth about car ads


If The Ad Reads . . . It Really Means
Rough condition: Too bad to lie about
Parts car: Beyond repair
Clean: Homeless dude at 5th and Main did the windows
Immaculate: Recently washed
Concours: Recently waxed
Good transportation: It's ugly
Engine quiet: Uses 90-weight oil
Needs minor overhaul: Needs engine
Needs major overhaul: Phone the junkyard
Burns no oil: It all leaks out
Rebuilt engine: Cleaned the spark plugs
Engine blueprinted: I don't know what it means either
Excellent gas mileage: It's slow
Low miles: The odometer was turned back
One owner: Can't give it away
Sure to appreciate: That's why I'm selling it
Drive it away: I live on a hill
Drive it anywhere: Within 10 miles
Desirable classic: No one wants it
Rare classic: No one wanted it even when it was new.
Stored 20 years: In a lake
Ran when stored: Won't start
Never apart: Bolts too rounded to loosen
Solid as a rock: Rusted solid
. . .or best offer: I'm guessing here
Restored, with 0 miles: Won't start
Faster than a 'vette: A Chevette
Restored, with 2 miles: Won't stay running
Older restoration: First owner washed it
Good investment: Can't be worth much less
No time to restore it: Can't obtain parts
90% complete: You do the other 90%
95% complete: Other 5% doesn't exist
Other interests conflict: Spouse's ultimatum: "Either that
#!!@&## thing goes or I go!"

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